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Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I Saw Red (Recipe Cards #26)

I think I broke my blog :( One morning while waiting for my daughter to go to school I was experimenting with backgrounds and this goofy pink one stuck as well as the brief red flash that is probably an error I can fix and not some subliminal message making you shovel down Temptation Salads and Fish in Aspic. Just make sure you are not wearing your Silver Shamrock mask okay? I cannot bear responsibility.




Anyway,while you are mentally cursing at me for getting this song in your head, it's been a while and since my blog is broke, I thought I would do recipe cards again. We will be graced with the 1974 Weight Watcher's (not funny says an unpublished hater) and a few 1975 Betty Crocker Step By Step Recipe Cards. I need to do the WW cards because I started walking 3-5 miles a day and--no I'm not going to start making those recipes. And of course Marguerite Patten. I even added the recipes for those of you who are just dying to figure out how to make the greatest chaude froide chicken ever.

I'll figure this out. We can't be flashed by red and shocked with pink forever. I thought it was time for an upgrade and now I am in a bit of a pickle, am I not? Oh well, enjoy! The pink is there, the subliminal red flash is there, but so is the content you all have been anticipating. 

I'm going to start with the Patten cards. Because I am a sweetie, I am adding the recipes to a couple:

As opposed to nudity, this lobster's very nooks and crannies are coated and dressed with mayonnaise. I think I prefer my lobsters naked. With butter.
 
Cottage cheese is not only curdy white things used to describe the beginnings of a yeast infection. It can be made into a sauce for a chicken salad. I think I ruined that for everybody. 

While there's nothing wrong per se about the lamb cutlets, but the finger like splay of asparagus that makes me a little leery. Is it going to grab me if I tried to get a mushroom? Will it slap my hand?

Who doesn't like pie? Who wants some lemon raisin cheese pie? Any takers? Just a slice?
I hate clowns so this goofy ass cake belonged here too.
What better way to present a nibble but a little frankfurter and a pineapple chunk wrapped in a slice of cheese?

We think of cheesecake, orange, we think of a thick cheesecake base with a little orange flavoring added, orange zest on top. Reality says this cake is made of cottage cheese and orange juice and rind and topped with the rind itself.
Chicken Chaud-Froid Salad which means Chicken hot and cold Salad. This isn't the first time it has graced our presences. However, this mayonnaise and gelatin dream is allowing its secrets to be revealed with the recipe below:
You're welcome :) Anyone brave enough to make this, just remember: Pictures or it never happened!
Apples and folded fish. And they call it a salad. Okay. Sure. I can't wait to suck on those fish tails, crunch on some apple slices.
My first thought is what in the hell is an Elaroo and I did look it up. Then I realized there just aren't enough apricots glazing that gammon.
EHHHH How I loathe stuffed peppers. Took my Italian knowledge to see what made them Italiana. If you think then a sauce is made of tomato soup, dry mustard, sugar, vinegar, half and half, then Peppers Italiana you will savor!
The recipe for anybody interested.
Cottage Cheese and Salmon Mold! Yay! It's back! I loved it so much I posted it in a blog entry, on my FB page, and back on another blog entry. Who wouldn't love this? Just look with wide, shocked eyes at the recipe and clutch your pearls in anticipation. I expect to see a Cottage Cheese and Salmon shortage in this country!
While I'm quasi motivated to lose the gazillion pounds I've gained over the years, I look at the weight watchers cards and I think, maybe I'll just find other ways. 

Sour Cream Dressing. Dead on Arrival. Next. I won't mention the fact it is only made of cottage cheese and no sour cream is used.
If I am going to enjoy a zabaglione, it sure as shit better not be in quotation marks. Making it with artificial sweetener and egg whites is not impressing me much.
Because radishes are kind of hot and what better way to serve them with THINGS that shouldn't work in there. Being fat sucks.
Fellow fatties out there: You aren't eating caviar. I repeat. YOU AREN'T EATING CAVIAR! You are eating pulverized eggplant.
Don't quite get the Jackstraw reference but enjoy your liver in there. Lose a few pounds and you might get real meat.
I don't think Ganges means what they think it means. But if WW wants you to believe the shrimp you are about to consume is somehow connected to the Ganges River then by al means, enjoy and allow yourself to drift along your imaginary Ganges.
This just makes me starve to look at. I could be stuffing my face right now, but this is making me starve.
 I think I lost zero pounds by looking at those few cards but realized I can "reduce" without the aid of WW.

As you can see we've moved on to the Betty Crocker Cards and what have we here? A Daisy Loaf. Crafty Betty has concocted this large looking butter stick by adding sliced bread, filled with smoked beef, cream cheese, cheese spread, mayonnaise. Anyone want a slice?
That's right, meat loaf doesn't have to be in a boring loaf shape all the time. It can be spooned up and beany together.
For all you polenta lovers out there, now is your chance to eat Tuna Tomato Polenta. With olives.
Those mushroom salt and pepper shakers look like some sort of phallus. But anyway, this broke food is made with tuna, tomato sauce, cream of chicken soup, cheese, a few other ingredients and topped with corn chips. Be at my trailer at 6 if you want some.
Green Beans, American Cheese, mayonnaise, tuna, cream cheese, what more could you want to not have to eat? This sounds gross and it sounds like it could be a good threat to my over picky children.
Forget Sloppy Joes, you gag, can gag, have, gag gag gag Crabby Joes. Gag.
Creamy Ham and Eggs are way too creamy for my liking. EHH I see hardboiled eggs being sliced. I'm done.
Well I do hope you enjoyed. I'm going to work on getting rid of that red flash.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Patten Revisited (Recipe Cards #25)

Hello!! I havent done a recipe card post in a while. Against my better judgement, I ordered the Marguerite Patten cards again and from looking through them, I realized I am just beginning. I bought the set again because for some reason, I get the most recipe requests for the ones I depict whether it's here or on my FB page. 

Because of this particular recipe card set, I also got my first negative review. I remember that January day like it was yesterday: I was delayed flying out of O'hare (always) and we, meaning myself and the elderly man next to me who deemed it necessary to shoulder surf, came across a pending comment. I was given the here to and what for saying that I wouldn't like it if someone made fun of my life's work and it's ironic that I don't like to cook but can say such mean things about this "poor 94 year old woman." Seriously? I'm not a foodie, I'm not a chef, and I don't care who authored the cards. If it looks like it belongs on my blog, it's going to be on my blog. That's why I consider my work that of satire. It's not supposed to be taken serious! And if I am 94 and some little whipper snapper wants to make fun of my life's work, then look me up in about 56 years. I'll do it with you!!

Anyway, getting back to the cards. I've tried not to repeat the ones used in previous entries. For more on that, click on Marguerite Patten on my sidebar and you will find the other entries. 

I'm not a coffee drinker, so for the coffee lovers out there this question is for you. Would you? Does coffee and orange go together?
I want all of you to leave with the impression that this is just cooked hare with cutesy little hearts on top of it. Don't think of it as a jointed hare made in a sauce of its own blood, a puree of its own liver. Just think of it as a hare dish. Not that it's any better. And maybe this is gourmet fun for some. I don't know.
This little card caused many in the Blogosphere and Pinterest world to collectively gag, gasp, and come looking for more recipes like this. I'm sure they found many. A can of Veg-All sprinkled on the bottom, plump roasted chickens, perhaps seasoned properly, no less than three bottles of Elmer's Glue, and banana chunks inside the milk glue sauce. I have the recipe if anyone else wants to threaten their loved ones with this.
I know you are wondering what this could be. Is it an alcoholic beverage? A nice sipper drink? Something crisp and light? Then wonder if I actually would post something that easy? No, this a jellied soup made with halibut, fish bones, egg whites, lemon juice, white wine, gelatin, and various vegetables.
That looks like something that would grow out of a petri dish in a lab. Is it gram negative or gram positive? Are they rods or diplococci? Strep or Staph? What antibiotic would it work against best?
This is pressed alright. Pressed to the point to where it looks like the cross section of a brain. Then it's of course submersed in gelatin. We can't have a normal piece of meat now can we? It's nothing without the gelatin protective shield.
I guess maybe my interpretation of a plain omelet differs than that of the Patten industry. A plain omelet to me is just a bunch of eggs beat together, cooked, then folded in half. Not filled with cheese, mushrooms, fish, cooked vegetables, etc. Unless this is plain compared to what other omelets look like. That seems feasible.
Let's go through the effort to turn out a nice risotto and then stack it on canned corned beef.
The only hasty thing I want to see about this Prawn Curry is how fast it disappears from the face of the earth.
Another example of bird with bananas. At least you can see the bananas and have the option of not eating them.
This prawn looks like it is sitting on top of a pile of intestines and perhaps leakage from the intestines it is perching its prawny little self.
If you are going to share your dreams about cheese, I bet this is exactly what you would describe.
Eh, how about now? Is the cottage cheese going to help the corn digest better? With cottage cheese will undigested corn not be floating on top of your toilet? No? Okay there is no purpose for this unless you really have a ganderin' for cottage cheese and corn.
Why? An aspic made with a generous amount of gelatin, hard boiled eggs, capers, vegetables, over lamb and green beans? How about cutting all that out and just serving lamb and green beans?

I'm sure there are differences. Not the fact the mold is turned the other way or not as dark. Oh, the coffee jello mold uses real jello, real sugar, and real milk. That makes it all better!
Dumplings or not, I don't know anyone who wants to gnosh on an entire onion. I wonder if they use the same glue sauce as the Milk Chicken.

WHAT? You can use fruit and avocados in hors d'oevres now? I need to go alert someone. Fast.
I'm looking at this and I'm seeing a drunk party guest who, when nobody was looking, hurled into that plate. Food can look like food. It doesn't always have to look like stomach contents.
You are looking at this picture, shrugging and thinking that baked beans with mushrooms is not that big of a deal. Sure, adding anything to canned foods instantly upgrades it to "supreme" status. How about I tell you those are mushrooms and kidneys?
Nothing special about this. I just wanted to write the word "Bapburger."
In the USA we call those Candied Apples.
This was in a previous post dealing with these cards, but it was so yellow, my scanner didn't want to do anything but produce it in a blinding, soul sucking hue. Top is lime jello. Bottom is egg whites, lime jello, and sugar. Either too sweet or too gross.
I think we can all gather around this ring and think maybe it's not such a bad idea.
Reading the recipe, this is really devoid of anything but food coloring, milk, flour, and a whole bunch of flavorings like vanilla, cocoa, coffee, etc. I'm sure it has more of a purpose. Of that I do not know. 
 It was interesting to revisit these cards again. Yes, that means there will be more.