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Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Fon-due, Fon-Don't and other Southern Gems

I know, I know, I know it has been a while since I have made any effort to update my blog. The excuses would be that I have not been able to think of anything funny or interesting. Summer started and with it, the June birthdays of my children, and I think I needed to take a little time to decide which direction this is going to go. Yes, there is still a flash of red and a pink background. Blogger has changed it's coding a little bit and I'm not going to mess with it. My layout may be red and flashy and then pink, but it's my error I must accept! Oooh, I updated my picture. I am no longer a beef in aspic. I am real. I exist.

Anyway, I've had not so good feelings about the south the past few days so I decided my next step would be to do another Southern Living cookbook. If you are not from the South (which apparently stretches coast to coast), nor are you a depressed Southern Housewife who needs justification that you are special, you can leave. But you won't so laugh away!

Please note my only experience with Fondue is at the Melting Pot restaurant. I'm surely the subject matter expert :)


 The Fondue and Buffet Cookbook, Southern Living, 1971. Always with no writing on the cover, but the inside and spine. Mysterious..
 The Fondue and Buffet Cookbook, Southern Living, 1971. Inside Page. I see fondue. Do you see fondue? I think I can write the word "Fondue" for a while. But I won't.
Time for me to tear into the preface of this a bit. If you are a Northern woman, you lack the creative cooking to provide sustenance to your family. You suck. If you don't believe me, read on. You have to be a Southern Homemaker/Woman to be able to pull this off.
MMMMMMM cheesy fondue (fondue fondue fondue) Okay but what the hell is that folded dark red mess? Salami dipped into cheesy fondue? Oh HAYAL No! I'm a Northern woman who happens to live in the south due to the military but even I know that cheesy goodness is going to taste like salami just because of the odor of salami. Yuck.
Little Fondue 101 for any of you who actually care (not me). They have a point. Last think you want is a sword fight of skewers in your chocolate sauce. Fights will ensue over the dropped chicken. Real fondue isn't like the Melting Pot. There's no rescue spoon to get your dropped stuff out of the broth. You are on your own. So keep it less than 4 people. Because surely you know 4 people who want to come over for fondue. Surely.
I'm sure your eyes are bleeding but did you know fondue is a game? Truly the one who is deft enough to not drop his or her bread in the pot is declared the winner and they get the cheese crust/skin/burn marks on the bottom. Whatever makes you a winner, right?
I don't know what to say except the little grill can almost be awesome. What really grabs my attention is that globe. I swear my mom used to have a globe like that. Lots of compartments in that plate.
Sigh..Into the bubbling pot the meat goes. Laugh, giggle, cook, and all is perfect. HOWEVER, if you are FAT you get BOUILLON! Sniff..I guess I would get boullion. Southern Women and their Southland. Eff them. Boullion.
Hearty Beef Fondue with Hot Gazpacho Sauce. Okay. Great display of raw beef chunkages around the bowl. That's sanitary I'm sure.
Delicious is subjective. And Mrs. Patty Bryant, not too many people say New Mexico is in the south. Go back to your alien watching.
I'm interested because the skewers seem to be standing up by themselves.
Cheese Fondue..If made right it's to die for. It only took the second paragraph to make a Southern Living entry. They must be slacking.
We get it. Southern Homemakers are the standard we all secretly try to attain.
No idea if I ever heard of a Rinktum Ditty with Beans. Pretty sure I don't need to.
Thought it was all well and good, thinking of chocolate fondue when the Southern Women plug deflated my food fantasy.
Chocolate Fondue Marveilleuse. Why yes it does look that way. Oh look, a whole doughnut can be dipped into that tiny bowl. My dental work screams in agony at all of that overtly sweet stuff. Nothing like sugar getting trapped in a cracked filling or a loose crown. It's pleasant.
Chafing dishes. Might seen a few, might used a few, but never owned any. Of course the Southern hostesses know this. Of course they drink the Sterno when nobody is looking. But let's keep it on the hush hush for now.
Welsh Rarebit. Well of course. How could anyone get through that era without their rarebit?
Chicken and Oysters A La King. I will make no pet vomit reference. I will not say I can hear it splatting on the floor. I won't do it.
Forget all the Southern kitsch for a second. It says cereal and I'm going to find me a chafing dish and I am going to eat my Count Chocula from there. That's what we in the North do. But I'm not really in the north..Sigh..
Mushrooms and Eggs in Cheese Sauce Supreme. Why?
I feel like I've read this already but with a few changed words. I'm sensing something here. Second verse, same as the first. (I bet that I got that song in your head)
I'm not devoted to eggs enough to think of this.
Hmmmm Dessert. Lots of Spanish Influence in the Southland apparently.
Crepes. Sure they look normal and I'll just leave them alone because I am positive I could find a gloater. Sometimes crepes just are crepes.
Flaming Strawberry Omelet. I don't see strawberries mixing and I sure can't see burning fire eggs.
Go on....
Double Summer Salad. Two in one. The gelatin layer is grapefruit sections, orange sections with a little rosemary. Seems okay enough to stop but a Southern Homemaker with  brilliant idea decided a crab salad in the middle would be perfecto.

Congealed salad with fresh fruit. I was lost on the word "congealed" Forget the mustard, mayonnaise, cheese, pimiento hidden under the mayonnaise shape. Really. Forget it because this is traumatizing.
Sorrento Salad. Seems a little normal.
German Tuna Potato Salad. This doesn't look like what it says it is. I will play along with their game too.
Sea Breeze Spinach Mold. Yeah I have nothing. 

Well, I hope you enjoyed my welcome back. Thanks for sticking it out with me.

2 comments:

  1. Great post! I'm sad those crepes looked like beige slugs :P

    ReplyDelete
  2. brilliant. i'm going to chuck everything in a chafing dish from now on!

    ReplyDelete