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Monday, April 29, 2013

Beware the Bridge Ladies

All the way from the Great North Canada to a Salvation Army thrift store in the Hessville part of Hammond, IN, the books from the bridge ladies have been illegally in this country, none the worse for the wear. People have shopped the dead person stuff's store without so much of a glance over the years. While they grin on and wait. I call it the Dead Person Stuff's store because when my father passed two years ago, we cleaned and took dozens of bags to this same particular store. Would it creep any out of I saw a few of these clothes still there a few visits ago?  My friend went to this store in a blizzard and this is what was given to me.

Apparently the Bridge Ladies are a popular bunch up north. They play their WASP-y card game, nibble on sandwich loaf, aspic, sippers of chicken broth, curries, newbergs, pretty much all retro food I have written about. They talk bad about their men, think they are above and beyond the world, nonchalant superMoms, etc.They even dress the same. After reading the anecdotes in the book, I had to decide what my state of mind was before continuing. I could have been a man hater, and went with that. I could have been just being a bitch and that would have worked. Instead my mood is neutral

Well, I won't amuse you too much with the intro. Just be warned there are two more books in my possession and many more available on ebay. I haven't decided how far I want to take this. How much more damage these catty women can inflict upon the world.

P.S. I don't play bridge. I'm not part of their world so when their world enters mine, this is what happens.

The Best of Bridge: Royal Treats For Entertaining, 1980. Now this is a book that smuggled itself across the Canadian border and found itself hiding in a Hessville Salvation Army. It's been through a lot.
I'm muddled. How many times did it take to come up with these words?
  
The Bridge Ladies. This is a group of hens you don't want to mess with. Down to the matching polka dot red pinafore, to the identical poufy mushroom hairdos, just stand back and let these ladies run the show. I don't know if I want to be part of a group that wears handsewn matching pinafores. I don't know how to play Bridge so I'm moot. I spy a yellow book..Tempting.


There's no intro. There's no foreward. Instead there is a "Forewarning"

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Daddy's got this. That's what the gist of this forewarning is. Daddy's taking the kids and the mothers are seeking refuge in the cottage. Really, who doesn't have a retreat cottage? If I had a cottage, I would bring sandwich loaf and several Kim Doppelgangers to the cottage to play cards and man bash. Or would I?
Oooh, the rules. You must have 8 ladies in qutation marks who had no kids, dogs, a killer instinct and can count to 40. She better be hungry too. Respect the 3 drink rule, don't snarl, use expletives, talk about the kids you might be missing, no candy that might alter your sandwich loaf taste, and don't be on a diet. But you best be sure that you laugh it up and perk the Sanka.Yay for the decaf instant! We are gonna have a ball!!!
Yeah basically, people change in their bodily structure as they age. Get over it. It's not like you are pert and perty either. Your cargo is probably scraping the ground.
Um, no but I see a lot of that while watching construction workers when I am stuck at the lights or stuck in construction traffic.
Right because we all like to carry purses. I see what you did there fool. If you want something for your money, but a purse. Hahahaha. LAME!!!
Just prolong the inevitable. Brilliant. Not only she is going to hate herself for whatever she did, but she's probably not going to be happy about sleeping her day away.
Stop it right there! There's no happiness in getting up at 3:00 to feed a baby. Why would I want my own bottle? Would it be alcohol? Would I be so sleep deprived that I mix them up? Happiness is knowing you are no longer going to have any babies and have no reason to be up at 3:00 am to feed a baby.
Alright, I'm going to call the bullshit on this one. Candy isn't in 15 cent bards. Nor does it come in $5.00 boxes unless you are cheap and you get the kid that is full of strange nougat and nuts.
I guess I need to be there to understand what these Bridge Psychos Ladies are saying. So I am merely a rag, a bone, and a hank of hair. Are these women trying their voodoo? What do they do at this cottage? Yikes.
And I interrupt the stupid Bridge Ladies anectdotes to bring you my first food of the post. Seafood Scallop Shells. These women need to taste it first. I don't want to be like them. 
Yes, SOB! These ladies know what they are saying. I'm comparing my married life to that of festering in a bathtub. It surely is that superficial.
If you have half a mind to get married, don't do it! That's all it takes! RUN! RUN! RUN!!!!!
What I want for these pinafore clad dorks is that none of this applies to my life and I've been married to a serviceman for almost 8 years. Most of the time, he doesn't act like he's in the military and if I saw mine making a bed, I would keel over at his feet.
We're supposed to vacuum under chairs? No wonder my husband does the Captain Morgan pose every night
Curried Chicken Boats. You can tell we quite aren't out of the 1970s but we are getting there slowly.
We have a rule in this house. If I cook, he cleans up. If he cooks, he cleans up.
In other words, if it kills you. That's the too late part of eating a mushroom
How about we be real and know that people who marry that old are probably the most fortunate to spend their last few years on this earth with someone they love. Instead of being assholes, let's just blow bubbles and be glad this man and woman found each other.
And how'd that work out for you? I don't look back at 1980 and think of those being the good old days. Sure, I was only 6 years old, but even then I know those weren't the good old days.
Hopefully this husband ran far, far, away from this mean bitch. I bet if he forgot to bring breakfast in bed, he would end up in the hospital.
What in the hell does this even mean?

I'm going to end it here. Please know that I had dozens more but these are so corny that it hurts my brain! You know the Bridge Ladies will resurface!

1 comment:

  1. Stoic = stork, cynic = sink. Horrible horrible joke.

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