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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Meatless and Moldless

I know what you are wondering. How can I possibly make a blog post without my two favorite subjects: meat and gross gelatin molds. My inner Southern Homemaker, whom I did not know existed was calling me, so I decided to take a small hiatus from the Family Circle books I've been using and go back to the Southern Living Cookbook. I still have ten books left from that collection.

The Vegetables Cookbook. What harm could I possibly inflict upon Earth's Bounty? I'll play nice. That's all I can promise. I'll play nice. My son decided he wanted to glue all of my crayons together and make one megacrayon so I couldn't color in any of the black and white photos. I love that kid. Really. I do promise that there are no gelatin molds and no meat. The Bad and Ugly of Retro Food is going vegan for a few hours. 

Don't worry, this is only temporary. Really these aren't my worst pictures I've posted. But the snark is there and if it is on my table of books waiting to be posted, I'm going to find something, dadgummit. 

Back to the mysterious no name on the cover Southern Living, The Vegetables Cookbook, 1972 is enjoying its day in the limelight. At least I think it is. I don't talk to my books. That would make me weird.
 
 
They want you to work to find the topic. Open the book! I think this set was intended to never be used. Just displayed amongst the Grolier Encyclopedias, Time Life Books, etc. Never to be used or taken seriously. I believe the last two sentences.  

Mushroom Delight. Can it be drank? Should you use a spoon or a fork? Or even a straw to slurp out that clear and precious vinegar water? Is a goblet really the most appropriate vehicle for what sounds like something that is being brined or pickled? Maybe a jar? Or would that deflect from the WTF shock value?
I've decided to put all of these talking points preface and chapter entries in one section. It's easier to make fun of them that way.
Leafy vegetables are not so appetizing when you think of all the contaminated bagged salads being recalled. Imagine the crisp leafy vegetables being used as toilet paper for a migrant worker's ass or maybe washed with run off cow shit water? So the next time you have a hankering for a salad with perfect green leafy vegetables, let that image run around in your mind for a little while.
A lima bean is a butter bean is a lima bean is something I'm not putting in my mouth now or ever.
How shitty the second paragraph is. It implies the only type of women who care to cook to please their families and friends are SOUTHERN WOMEN. That's right, those of us north of the Mason-Dixon Line don't know our stalk vegetables from our elbows. We are just clueless about vegetables.
I daresay this "vegetable fruits" was a phrase that did not catch. Nice try though.
Stuffed Cabbage Head. How perfect can that be? How rare it is that one person gets their own stuffed cabbage head. What a treat this is! I need crayons. I need crayons bad. I think I see the colors but the ones he didn't glue together were not cabbage colors.
Pole Beans with Mustard Sauce. It seemed so normal. Pole Beans. Then a packaged white sauce mix and mustard had to go and make this an attention seeker. No attention is bad attention for pole beans I guess.
Dixie Pole Beans. See, normal. Nothing bad or ugly here. Just beans that I probably wouldn't eat or feed my family.
Seen one mixed bean salad, you've seen them all. Whether it comes from Better Homes and Gardens, Family Circle, Betty Crocker, they all look the same. I'm guessing it is more of a brand preference.
Boiled Dinner Beets. Have you seen anything so sad and plan before? It's just beets and onions and butter and lemon gelatin. Lemon Gelatin? Finally! I was missing lemon gelatin. I guess it adds the shine.
Bountiful Vegetable Platter. I guess "bountiful" is synonymous with "wasteful." I've seen these peas and onion cups in many books and just must know how they are eaten. Does one scoop the peas out of the onion and eat them that way, discarding the onion? Does one just pick it up and bite into it like an apple, spilling peas everywhere? Is it cut up in many pieces and there's a good pea to onion ratio? Am I asking too many questions?
Celery and Cheese Casserole. I guess if you aren't a Southern Homemaker, this makes no sense to you either. I'm not a Southern Homemaker. My mind thought it was and I had to talk it down.
Fresh Tomato Casserole. Because nothing says Southern like sliced tomatoes. These red rings are on top of a concoction made from celery, green pepper, onion, corn, boiled eggs, and white sauce. I think I'll pick the tomatoes off, grab a weird salt shaker and forget the rest.
Here's five more reasons who I will not ever eat stuffed peppers. It kind of looks to me like the one on the bottom left is stuffed with macaroni and cheese. Little weird.
Fresh Southern Corn Pudding. Okay, I'd probably eat it.
Fried Eggplant. It looks like a serial killer donated his brain to science and these are the cross sections of his brain.
Okra with Grapefruit Butter Sauce. Does this really need to be created? Okra is so podlike and slippery and grapefruit juice is just tart.
Pay no attention to that bucket tipped over with green vegetables pouring from it. Look at the little stuffed zucchini. That's the dish being depicted in this picture. Not the fallen basket of someone who was just so eager to see the stuffed zucchini they dropped everything and let the contents spill everywhere.
Delicious Crab Stuffed Tomatoes. I think the word "delicious" is subjective. Especially when this looks like a poorly lanced boil. Cut across several times just to let the pus ooze from it. That is one long ass tomato.
It was brief. It had to be done. Don't worry. I'll be back to my meaty ways again soon.

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