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Monday, March 4, 2013

Lunnut

Hello! It's time to delve headfirst into another book of culinary WTFs. I'm keeping the Family Circle Illustrated Library of Cooking, 1972 books' momentum and going with volume 11, Lun-Nut, hence the title that would otherwise make no sense. Now you have had the "a-ha" moment. The Lunch Box, Lunches and Brunches, Luxurious Leftovers (because what isn't more luxurious than leftovers stinking up your refrigerator and permeating everything in there?), Movable Feasts, and Nuts. Nuts? There was about a page and a half devoted to nuts so I kind of omitted that from the other 30+ pictures I scanned from this book alone.

More appealing boxed and bagged lunches. It makes me feel like the mother of the year for the minute crap my kids pack in their lunchboxes. They will never have to worry about an English muffin with a claw sticking out of it in its last grasp for life. You'll see.

Lunches and Brunches. I'm sure that's going to be full of newburgs, salmon, molds, and the usual fanfare. In other words, my purpose continues.

Luxurious Leftovers. Never heard of them being called that, but dang it all, Family Circle managed to make them that way. I'll drool over that congealed, old chicken my husband forgot to eat because I know I can make something luxurious out of it.

Movable Feasts. Meals to make out or make in and take out. HUH? Just call the fuggin' things casseroles or something. 

Nuts. Sorry. No nuts. It's a nut free environment today. 

If the caption written is in quotes, it's because it was lame enough for me to take from the book and then spin it as only I can.

Family Circle Illustrated Library of Cooking, Volume 11, 1972. Woman's Day, Better Homes and Gardens, Southern Living. I get them confused. Could it be because they all have the same ole crap just photographed different? Well I do declare!

Puzzled, yes! Kids are picky and under the pressure to not bring claws coming out of English muffins. I think I know how to carry food to a picnic ground. Do this still exist? Picnic grounds? Not really because I am never going to have a party lunch or brunch. My family is not stupid. They know leftovers when they see them. Probably because I'm such a whiner about them. Okay, Volume 11, be my most welcome friend in need.
"What lunchbox toter wouldn't want welcome one of these?" Um, probably anybody who has to worry about the overall messiness of these foods and perhaps stench or risk of food-borne illness from them not being at the right temperature. Pretty much everybody who brings their lunch from home.
Growwwllll!! It's the claw!! Snap snap, click, click. See, I didn't make that up. I cannot imagine my 5 year old or 7 year old bringing this to school and being excited about what Dear Mother packed in their little Spiderman or Barbie Doll lunchbox. A scream and perhaps disruption would occur and be duly noted on their daily conduct sheet that I have to initial every day.
It's the claw again!! Somehow I doubt these freaky sandwiches would maintain their structural integrity in the flimsy paper bags. Though I give kudos to the person who took the time to make garnishes, cut radish roses, and make pickle flares, I just don't think this will make it out of the bag before it goes into the trash and the Mister grabs a hamburger or something. There's no ice pack either. I guess the Mister will be puking and crapping in the toilet if he did try to eat these.
Isn't that the most ADORABLE refurbished lunch box ever? No? I bet it would make a nice sound when it bonks against someone's head for making fun of it.
Let's segue into the Lunches and Brunches part. I'm not a brunch eater. I kind of like pancakes but I'm odd. I like my pancakes with perhaps butter and syrup, maybe a fruit compote or some whipped cream. Ham-pancake shortcakes made from Spam but they won't call it that, green beans, packet sauce, onion, and milk between pancakes and topped with a spiced peach just is not the type of pancake I am expecting or desiring.
"Ideal for a ladies' brunch, Seafood-Stuffed Crêpes." Of course. Because that's really what ladies would want to eat. I have the equipment to call myself a lady, and I sure as heck am not going to eat that or bouquet salads in the special lettuce shaped bowls. What kind of "lady" would want to be lumped in a group that this is what they want to eat at these gatherings? Damn those are some awesome bowls though.
Traditional Holiday Eggnog. Okay, I will admit to being a blasé Generation Xer. I'm only familiar with the yellow corn syrupy stuff sold once or twice a year that has the texture of snot going into my mouth. I know. I just don't get it! I do know that I like seeing the yellow color and not really know if I am missing anything by not desiring to drink raw egg yolks with a raw egg white and whipped cream lumpage on top. I don't like eggnog. Who am I kidding
This looks like it could be bad but it is the one edible food I have found in this book. Rainbow Cream Ring. Vanilla ice cream and raspberry sherbet with strawberry sundae sauce.
That doesn't look very delicate or velvety. It looks like an ass cheek with white sauce on top of it. Kinky.
Finlandia Potato Tower aka a "He-Man Salad." Their words, not mine. Because this is what a master of the universe would eat to preserve his testosterone overabundance and strength, thus continuing his masterdom of the universe.
Tomato Salad Stacks. It looks like this book is trying to show the garnishes to the max. Serving a tomato with green onions sprouting out of it is not the way to go. Forget the layers of macaroni and cheese salad and tuna salad stacked as high as it will go. The damn thing is sprouting tentacles.
Emerald Salad Mold "Nippy sour cream layered between spring-crisp vegetables in sparkling lime gelatin doubles for dressing." UGHHHH no thank you. No nippy sour cream for me please.
Crab Roulade with Shrimp Sauce and Fluted Mushrooms. There's more goofy toothpick garnish and it looks like a gaping wound opened, spilling pus and rot from its confines.
"A Merry May Buffet Lunch for a dozen close friends." Are you sure you want to go that route? Do you expect to still have a dozen close friends after this? Or are they just those special kind of friends who will be there through thick and thin?
Hominy Timbales on the right. First time I think I've used the word "hominy". Tomatoes Garni. Basically a canned tomato with onions, celery, green pepper, and croutons tossed on top.
"Yes, Bouquet Crab Bowl is actually low in calories--just 149 per serving." But does it taste good? Is it filling? "Yes, Bouquet Crab Bowl is actually low in calories--just 149 per serving." That didn't answer my question. "Garnish is a crisp celery kebab." Oh. Well why didn't you say so in the first place?
Because nobody would notice flowers are really asparagus and a melon.
Nor would I notice the watermelon being used either.
Moving into the luxurious of leftovers this is "another clever way to use up the big bird in Turkey Hawaiian with lots of pineapple." I guess the emphasis is on "LOTS" because we wouldn't want to taste turkey that has been in the refrigerator too long.
"Turkey Puffs are bound to make a hit at a luncheon." Or bound to make a miss and turkey puffs will never be an issue at a luncheon again. But wait? Is that BACON on top of it?
"When you're down to the tag ends of a turkey, it's time to make a sensational Avocado Turkey Crown." Um, how about when I am down to the tag ends of a turkey, I just throw that thing away? I think I like that idea a whole lot better.
What's that supposed to mean? It's the ass end of a ham?
Tongue and Potato Scallop. I even thought it would be nice to enlarge this a bit so you can see the tastebuds. You're welcome. I don't think tongue is going to ever enter my house, let alone enough to slice and make into THAT. Aside from the fact there is a copious amount of mayonnaise and mustard and a whole bunch of peas.
Since this Easter Monday Shortcakes looks pretty much like the other two mushy gloppy pictures, I won't get into too many details. Since this is dealing with leftovers, I will say there's a lot of hardboiled eggs in there. However, I want/need those crazy tomato things in the background. Awesome doesn't begin to describe them.
Going to ignore the Crisscross Pork Braid with rice and focus on that marvelous marvel radish and pineapple work behind it.
Ahhh, they got me! I wouldn't have guessed those were pizza pork pielets made with leftover pork and an assist from pizza sauce mix either. They are so tricky, I tell you. Tricky, tricky, tricky.
Refreshing salads with radish flowers, thinly sliced cool cucumbers, crisp green lettuce, juicy plump grapes, topped with chunks of ham and a dressing of mayonnaise and sour cream. They had to ruin it didn't they? I was on a good adjective roll and just got doused in mayonnaise and sour cream. The smaller salads are the same but with strips of leftover sliced tongue. Cold, sliced tongue.
If you ever wanted to know what leftover roast beef looked like in party dress, here's your chance.
Beach Ball Cake and Choco-Banana Pops. Trying..struggling..must maintain..must not say it looks like shit on a stick. Can't say it looks like shit on a stick..Must behave.
  
Lunnut it is. And Lunnut it has been.   

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