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Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Hot Diggity Dog and the Infallibles

Hello! After spending the past few days going through the Family Circle Illustrated Volume of Cooking, 1972 set, I decided to go with volume 10, Hot Dog Happenings, Infallible Instants and Mixes, The Joy of Cooking for Others (as if), and Land of Plenty Preserved. Why be normal and go in numerical order?


I'm going to TRY not to make any phallic references to the first section about hot dogs. It's going to be hard and it's going to require some discipline on my behalf. Oh who am I kidding? I'm not disciplined and when this book starts describing hot dogs as glistening franks, my hands are tied. My brain to finger filter suddenly disappears. But to keep this out of the NSFW status, I'll behave. Sigh...


Infallible Instants and Mixes: I have never thought of dry soup mix as infallible but I'll play along for the the S&Gs.

The Joy of Cooking for Others:  There's joy in that? Maybe I need a cooking epiphany or something.

Land of Plenty Preserved: I don't think that means what they think it means anymore. 

Family Circle Illustrated Library of Cooking, Volume 10. I seriously think I was the first person to crack open this book. When I opened it, I was instantly reminded of brand new textbooks in school. I almost felt the weird urge to put a paper bag book cover over it and write "GUNS N' ROSES RULE"or "I HEART AXL ROSE 4-EVER". I think I said too much.
Are you a hotdog fancier? Would you like to wrap a meatloaf and onions around your wiener? That didn't last long, did it? Sigh.
Glistening franks and lamb patties.(AGH)  It has to be the best way to serve franks. But it's most important to cook them separately.
The incredible, adaptable hot dog. The wiener wears its sauce well. When I read the word knackwurst, I am transported back to Wisconsin. I need to pronounce it KNAYAK-wurst. I'm leaving the last paragraph alone.
Such a pliable and bendable object a hot dog is. Just slash it, cut it crosswise and bend it into circles. I'm a little intrigued by this outside the box thinking. The circular arrangement with scary cause is piquing my attention the most.
Sweaty wieners. Eeew.
I cropped out the caption but it reads "Beautiful variation on the hotdog theme: Hawaiian Windups, with frankfurters and pinepple spears in ham." I can think of many things a hot dog is and beautiful never comes to my mind. Hot dogs and pineapples don't come to my mind either.
Since the captions are better than mine: "Spritely to look at, savory to eat, hot dog chunks on a bed of sauerkraut spoked with pineapple and peppers." Wow..They are really trying to marry hot dogs and pineapples in this book. And with sauerkraut? Who was the lucky person to have to taste this mess?
Wiener Tiara Bake. No, it really is called that. I'm serious for once.
Confetti Skillet Supper. Instead of the reality of eating hot dogs, corn, lima beans, and rice, just imagine being somewhere else and throwing confetti in celebration of a better life.
There are a few important rules one must needs to follow in order to have a successful frankfurter stacking. First they MUST follow a pattern. And second, the buns must be the just the right height. Kind of like trees. Someone might have realized what I just did there.
And that concludes the hot dog portion of this post. Moving on, shall we? 

If nothing is learned from this, intro paragraph talking about "jig-time vegetables" and "sleight of hand salads" should basically sum it all up. I'm not going to completely bash the instants no matter how infallible they might be. I use them. It's not like I have a vegetable garden, grow my own herbs, and have my own cow in the backyard. I can, however, take great pleasure in poking fun at what these infallible instants used to create!
There's the jig-time vegetables, zip-quick rib sticking meats, split-second soups, and whatever the hell that long and scary bread with the olives peeking out of it is called.
EHHHHHH no, I realy do not want an instant Hollandaise made of mayonnaise, melted butter, and lemon. I know that's basically what a Hollandaise sauce is but this is making it sound so real and mayonnaise-y.
My secret recipe when I bake is everything I bake comes from a mix-cake, roll, or cookie, too. Most everything anyway. I see a typo in that caption!
Onion Sausage Pie. And how many years did it take to get the smell out of your house if you made this?
Sausage Pizza. I'll admit I am not the craftiest cook in the world. I get burnt out and hate cooking. Every now and then I might try something new. Rarely Adding salami, sausage, pepperoni to a frozen pizza is even below my limited culinary experience.
Caption reads: Bisquit mix crust filled with canned salmon + process American cheese + stuffed olives = Salmon Salad Tart. Now, I suck at math. I suck at it to the point that it is my stumbling block to success. However, even I see that adds up to a pie of shit.
Gelatin based Cranberry Cream. Either my mind is playing tricks on me or that looks like a plastic wiener tiara crown mold. Wouldn't it melt into a gelatin based cranberry cream puddle? It's too perfect, too shiny, and it looks like a crown of wieners.
That what of who for huh? There's joy in that? I told you all I need a cooking epiphany.
That's right Jack. That's right Jill. Your rocket cones can take you to the moon. Reach for the sky. You won't always be stuck with a rat/kitty cat/mouse/gelatin cake either.
"For birthday teenagers, none of the pastel party bit. The saltier and heartier the better," said nobody in 2013 ever. Let's just impress the gang with A-Okay Lasagna.
Bahahaha give me a shot at making a frilly and feminine bride's buffet with elegant food and a cake one I've made. PLEASE LET ME!!!!
Pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles. Impress your guests with your pickle shelf in jars of all shapes and sizes and pickles of all makes and models. Is this not the most ridiculous? Or maybe it's genius.
Really? That's the prettiest pantry? Because surely if I canned my own vegetables and pickles it would be arranged exactly like that.

There's still 13 volumes left!  

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