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Thursday, January 31, 2013

Just Because THOSE Holidays Are Over...

Just because THOSE holidays at the end of the year are over doesn't mean that the rest of the year's holidays cannot have their own special little holiday feasts. At least that is the impression I am getting from my newest book collection, the 1971 Southern Living cookbook set. Who'd have thought when my kids wanted to throw that George Washington's birthday party last year and I had no ideas what to do, I could have just looked through a 1971 cookbook? I sure didn't! Or the time my husband paced the living room frantically, his fists clenched as he bemoaned being the one who had to bring dessert for the Abraham Lincoln's birthday potluck? I'm just saying, this cookbook could have been helpful and I have let them down. 

None of that is true but I needed to stress the overall importance of this book.

The Holiday Cookbook, Southern Living, 1971. No title on front. No writing at all. It's a mystery. The faded candles in the background.
There we go. I'm proud of myself because I think I figured out the Roman Numerals.
Look at that amazing shrimp tree. Shrimp grow on trees and look like that in their natural state. They can't put anything on the internet that isn't true.

This is so full of gaude and tack and kitsch that it's almost hard to see the foods in the center. Jingle, Jingle.
This is a classic reason to avoid the punch bowl at all costs. Not because it may be spiked, though it should be in this case. But because it's just V8 and lemon. This should have some vodka splashed in it. Lots and lots of vodka.
Celebrate your New Year's Eve with Dilled Salmon Mousse. If your guests aren't drunk enough, and they probably won't be on virgin V8 and lemon punch, this jellied mixture of salmon, sour cream, mayonnaise, gelatin, herbs and spices, pickles, and vegetables ought to have them screaming for you to spike the damn punch.
Rock Lobster Curry Afrikaans. I don't care if it has lobster in it. It has sliced cooked bananas and that's just not right. Maybe it's right for the recipe but it still has cooked bananas in it.
Sigh. I see these gorgeous black and white pictures that would make such good material if they were in color. If I were to attempt to cook a ham and coat it with gelatin, dill pickle liquid, mayo, mustard, food coloring, pimientos, gherkins, scallions, dill pickles, watercress, I would much prefer it to be in color so I could see what I was getting myself into.
There. That's better. Sometimes I just need to take matters into my own hands and color the picture myself.  I don't know if I should be pleased or ashamed.
Valentine's Day is coming up! If you want to make it the most memorable ever, serve Valentine Aspics for that special someone in your life. If he or she stays, then it's true love. Personally, I would run far and fast and never look back.
I figured if I'm going to do it once, I might as well do it again. When Crayola makes its campaign for the next color, I am going to suggest "Aspic Red".
If the aspics didn't go over well, Artichokes with Desert Slaw may make or break the evening. I'm betting on breaking the evening. If your love is a sucker with no self esteem, he or she might pity you and stick around. Just don't offer dessert.
When I think of George Washington's birthday, I am instantly reminded of Clam Cottage Cheese Mold. You just can't have one without the other.
Labor Day! Who's going to be the one to flaunt the fruits of their labor with a tomato aspic ring and shrimp remoulade in the middle? Who gets the bragging rights?
Ripe Olive Chili. Allow me to be the odd one here. I'm not a fan of chili in glass goblets. It looks cold and it looks like it reeks.
Golden Cream Waldorf. Thank you for leaving a small mount of peel exposed for color. I'm not afraid to get the crayons out again. But I was spared. I wonder who is licking their chops at this ring of lemon gelatin with mayonnaise and heavy cream?
With parsley poofing out of the top like a 1970s porno scene, this Harvest Squash Ring is sure to please the masses.
It's dark. Candles are placed in random spots throughout. The branches of the tree sway slightly, brushing against the crust of the fruitcake. It's the last color picture in the book. Why am I whispering as I type this?
Happy rest of the year holidays to all!

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