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Friday, August 31, 2012

Big and Beefy

If you have compromised arteries then I suggest you go no further than this sentence. There are 52 other posts that will not make your triglycerides triple or the plaque on your arterial walls break free. There's even one that is anti-coronary. Proceed with caution!

If the scare tactics did not deter you, then you have the coronary arteries of champ! 

It's all about beef today. Red, juicy, saturated fat, cow flesh and muscle. Sometimes there are some prions left over and cows get a little bit of BSE. It's all good. Because we love our BEEF! Happy cows make for a happy slaughter and give us happy beef. 


Better Homes and Gardens Beef Recipes, 1977


All of those creative suggestions and this is what they come up with? Okay. If that's how this book is going to be, I am going to have to start gnawing on that candle. Is that an angry cow in the background?


Does this look infected? Why yes it does! 
What special dinner would warrant a roast wrapped snugly in a flaky pastry with fresh mushroom liver paste? At what point in the meal would said wife tell friend husband that she's having an affair and presenting him with the divorce papers?


Now this is BEEF at its finest. That inch of fat and fatty skin should make anyone want to do a colon cleanse. Wouldn't want it to snag on the polyps or make the piles worse coming out. Have some astringent pads handy and a good book.


Yes, 2-3 days sitting in a sweet-sour marinade will give it a characteristic flavor. It's called spoiled.
I would think it's never a good idea to vomit on the pot roast while it's cooking.
What can only look like a cross section of a muscle. Or corned beef. But muscle is more imaginative. Glazed to perfection, striated, peachy, parsley.
If it's raves you want, then maybe making this look less like a maggot infestation in roadkill would get some positive feedback.
Make the most of your cow flesh! Roll it up with cud and get your money's worth.
Another failure in presentation. Maybe want to have it look less like an effective roundworm deworming and more like something edible. Just throwing it out there.
Eat this and this is what your arteries will look like before the quadruple bypass. Or maybe your stool.
This is my thoughts on what I want to do with this manicotti wannabe with its three cups of cottage cheese stuffing. Plop plop plop.


You want to know what will make this taco burger more of a success? A top bun. Difficult but not impossible.
Hopefully the nitroglycerin and AED are nearby. Have a good, fun, beefy Labor Day weekend.


U.N.T.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

More Horrors of Mayonnaise

I have mentioned before that the one food that horrifies me is mayonnaise. This should come as no surprise to those who remember and enjoyed this post . There are those of us out there who cringe, gag, wilt and the thought of mayonnaise. Anyone who knows me can attest to the level of irritation I have when I specifically order something without mayonnaise and find it slathered. I think I would rather the fast food employee spit in it. There's no scraping that shit off either. It has melded to the bread and I KNOW it was there. I am eternally grateful that I married someone who hates this off white stinky pus like substance as much as I do. 

Endless searching brought me to this booklet. It's a bit dated. As in 1930 dated. I can safely assume that there aren't too many people around who actually used this booklet in 1930 to feed their families. Low blow! But true! I was going to have a fun filled time tearing into this company but to my chagrin, it still exists. Oh well. I can still mock the recipes. That's what I do best. I will give them credit for still being around though. Not that a product of theirs will ever sneak past me and find its way into my digestive tract. 

I did notice that they also go by Hellman's which makes it seem like the difference between Edy's Ice Cream and Dreyer's.

The Salad Bowl, 1930.
Mayonnaise is not vogue. This is definitely a dated book. There are two options for mayonnaise and women can become or remain slender by eating this. I'll stay away from this slenderizing diet twice a day. I'm sure I can find healthier options if I want to eat less oil. Should I ever be a hostess, I will not experiment with two different type of mayonnaise and my taste will never be suited because that will not go near me!



Who would have thought there would be mayonnaise etiquette? I will remember that jars of this "stuff" are so beautiful that I will leave them right on the table. (Twitch, twitch, twitch)



Less Oil!! Home boiled and sweet-tart-spicy. I'm not going to go there. I bet it's an especial favorite with men. And women can grow slender. Is that an oxymoron? How can you "grow slender"?


This selected pickles and IMPORTED pimientos ground small and piquant (I am starting to hate that word) is so important, so new, that it can't be called a "spread". It's a SPRED. Get it right or don't eat it! You are not worthy to enjoy piquant.


It's not just piquant. It adds piquancy.

It's 2012. I'd like to challenge the indefinite crispness claim.

If you aren't doing a candling test before breaking your eggs, then you are doing something wrong. This is really a bad ingredient description and I have been made aware that I need to put the Crystal Jar on my table because I am usually a bumpkin and am lucky if my plates match on any given day. I need a jar of mayonnaise to inspire me. (UGH)
If not for that Crystal Jar this would look like a lettuce leaf and a tomato stuffed to the gills with mayonnaise. Very crafty!
If not for the addition of a few beans and beets this would look exactly like the picture above. Except the picture has been rotated giving the impression the Crystal Jar has been moved south which would suck for someone who is right handed. I'm the only lefty in my family and I am not cleaning up shards of Crystal Jar and gloppy mayonnaise from my floor.
This stuffed green pepper begs the question. Did they just scoop mayonnaise out of whatever vegetable shell and eat it like pudding? Crystal Jar is perfectly placed behind the colored disks of whatever they are. Cookies? Gnawing plastic to stave off the pangs of hunger because the idea of eating mayonnaise straight out of a wilted green pepper shell so vile?

Grapefruit and Orange Salad. I need to take a breather. I can't process this.
Okay. Exhale. Just let me get through the next few pictures. Liver put through a food chopper with cottage cheese and mayonnaise.
This needs a picture. I can only hope whomever makes this recipe at least took the time out to do some candling to their eggs.
What exactly is the surprise? Do I want to know? Do I need to know?
At least time was taken to deturd the shrimp. The Crystal Jar is ever so subtle.
And what a dysfunctional family it is! Butter is bad! Vegetable Oleomargerine is not. Upon further consideration, butter is probably healthier than any of these seven products.
This is the best page of the entire book! An empty plate!
 I'm not one to brag, but this seriously is one of the most disgusting posts I have made. 

U.N.T.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Milky White Curds

Before I traumatize and trigger gag reflexes aplenty with my cottage cheese an apt descriptions, if you scroll all the way to the bottom of the page, there's a little clicky with a picture of me. Now you all can see the madness! That sweet woman with the red shirt is responsible for all of this. Who'd have thought? I don't EVER use the name "Kimmy" to describe myself. I have a cousin who does and she's the only one allowed to do so. The way that site was set up, I had to make a name. 

Anyway, for those who have been following this blog since its inception, you know there are several foods that I cannot stand: Mayonnaise, cottage cheese, and sour cream. Ranch places a close fourth. However, yogurt comes pretty close.

Why does cottage cheese disgust me so? Just look at it! Little white curd nuggets in a watery liquid. When added to lasagna it looks like an infection. For example, a woman suffering a yeast infection, one of the first signs is a watery, cottage cheese-like discharge. Why in the world would would I want to consume something that is redolent of a yeast infection? For the men out there who read this, it's a bit of an exaggeration. I worked in OB/GYN and I'm a woman and I can assure you, that few women has ever actually excreted cottage cheese-like curds from their lady bits. I will spare the details. 

Creative Cooking with Cottage Cheese, 1958ish.
Look at this 1950's housewife. Her arms extended, scoop extended proudly and a palette of cottage cheese in the other hand. A wonderfully proud smile on her 1950's housewife face and her culinary creations below her. She has conquered the world of creamy white and refreshing cottage cheese and there's no stopping her!
Cottage-Borsch Cracker Dip. It's pink which could be seen as something sweet until the ingredients are read. In 2012, a "teeners" special dunk has a whole new meaning. I think the Blushing Pink Chip Dip is embarrassed. Hence the blush. I would be too.
Yankees, enjoy this. You own it. Love the Rice Krispies crust by the way.
A nice hot pot of spaghetti just yearning for a sauce to cover it. What do you decide to make? Cottage Cheese-Herb Sauce. Italians everywhere are shaking their fists in anger. Good job sparky. Just piss off an entire country by insulting spaghetti.
Scrambled eggs. Simple. Eggs, maybe a splash of milk, salt, pepper. I personally despise cheese in my eggs. Should I be served a plate of scrambled eggs with the mentioned spices, I may reject that idea. Should I be served scrambled eggs with small curd cottage cheese, I may throw it at you. Just know you have been warned. Don't f--k with my eggs.
Or in other circles: Broke food. Or if you really want to be a snark, call it trailer food.
One must question their destination if they intend to carry this along. When I brown ground beef, I usually use a couple tablespoons of butter too. What are the point of arteries? They are just tubes that carry oxygenated blood to your vital organs. Who cares if they become clogged!
Spinach Pudding. Those two words do not mesh well. Spinach and cottage cheese does not a pudding make! Cold enough that the butter does not melt. Gag, gag, and gag again.
These two recipes REQUIRE pictures. It can't end this way! 
 Yes this was short. Yes it was most definitely sweet. Sometimes a brief post is better than drawing this out. Add to it the fact there are only 23 pages. 

The next time someone wants to eat cottage cheese, heed my warning. Let the description of female problems permeate your soul. 

U.N.T.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Psychedelic Betty Crocker

Greetings all!! Before I get started, a few things have changed. I now have a domain so my blog can be found at www.badanduglyofretrofood.com  At this moment, it is still being updated in the system so the blogspot address will also work. If you are one of the few who like to use stumbleupon, it may take a few days as well to stumble my site. I do have to say what a surprise it is that my chosen name was not taken. Kidding. 

I'm at the latter end of my birthday. I hit the big 38. Yay me. What better way to start a new blog entry than associating it with some party theme?Also this is my 50th post already! Cause for celebration!!!! May there be 50 more! Thank you very much for reading. I can't stress that enough.

This booklet is seriously one of the weirdest Betty Crocker recipe books. I'm singing the "Oompa Loompa" song as I look at the weird lettering. It's almost like someone slipped Betty Crocker a little LSD. It makes no sense. The pictures are funny though. It's less than 20 pages but there was enough to make a blog.

Let's make this short and sweet and begin!! 

Betty Crocker's Baking's Believing, 1963. Yes there are a lot of apostrophes. That wizard has posed as Santa Claus in other Betty posts. Look at this insidious book. Magic, Witchcraft, Wizardry, Sorcery, and Enchantment.

Turn household items into MAGIC!! Abracadabra! God Medal Flour, Wondra Flower (?) Saran Wrap!!!!! The finger is pointing at us to continue. And really, there's nothing magic about this. Unless you are on some hallucinogen. Which I am not. But if you read this while tripping balls, I won't judge. Not at all.
Spells and Bells and Houdini Wienies. I'm waiting for a few Oompa Loompas to whisk me away and get into their groovy song. Looking at the recipe for Mystic Candy Dough, I can assume I might guess that Life Saver or whatever nickel candy might still exist today is crushed and inserted into the dough. Maybe because I cheated and looked at the recipe. I'm a buzzkill. A doubter.
There's that creepy wizard again. Oooh look, there's one that flies. There is one that flies, isn't there? I'm sure a handwritten on a fortune will accurately predict the future. Remember, you must be on something hallucinogenic to decipher this book.
Exactly how many wienies did Houdini have? Or are they just so motherfocking good that they disappear? I'll go with the multiple Houdini wienies. That makes more sense. Unless someone has LSD munchies or something. Yes, I am ignorant to drugs. I don't know if LSD actually gives munchies. Sounds good though.
This is how the page in this book looked. It's not a scan issue. That rabbit up there sure wants and needs some Baffle Bowl. Will the magician let him while he catches and plucks the head from those Yogi Puffs? ABRACADABRA!!!!
When you have a pissed off mouse, you better do something about it unless you want to find mouse shit behind everything. You do know they pee surfaces to create a scent trail. Maybe you can sit down and chat with the little critter, set up some problem solving analysis and see what is unfair. Is he protesting the meager wages he gets? Or is he just pissed that the cheese was made into bread? Okay, it's almost a myth that mice eat cheese. He needs to sack up, put down the sign and tear into that bread.
I'm looking at this page and I don't know why the dog is tugging on the magician's ribbon.
You won't find this classy surprise hat on any Pinterest page. Maybe mine because I link this to my Pinterest account and I like to post strange and ugly instead of cute and impossible. You have a hollowed out cake, a pissed off rabbit pig and the surprise is there's something in there if you just yank on the ribbon. It could be something just befuddling to the mind or it could be an origami bird. OOOOOOHHHHH!!!
Wow, my friends will be amused AND amazed! I'll be the talk of the town. The envy of all. Because I know how to make an instant tree out of the front page section of the newspaper. If I just so happen to use the local or the sport's section, this trick is null and void. Betty called for the front page and you better listen to her. Corporations are people too, my friend.

Since I'm not one to keep secrets. The devil in this dish is devilled ham. So much for bloody satanic rituals done by Betty.
Blooming Bush. Joke all in itself. The spoooooky cookies are sugar cookies with, gulp, caramels inside. AAAAH I can't do this anymore! Good thing I'm on the last page!
Again, thanks for viewing this!! If you have any problems accessing the pages, please let me know!

U.N.T.