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Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Sheesh (Recipe Cards #14)

Hello and Happy Thanksgiving to all. I survived my Indiana trip and irrational fear of flying. I saw people I haven't seen in years and got my very first ever tattoo. I never realized that pain could be funny. Those who say it's just a little stingy buzz are full of it. I kind of felt like hot razor blades were cutting into my skin. My sister ever so lovingly gave me her arm and I bit it in shock. All in all, a great time. 

I wonder if these recipe cards from the 1973 Curtin Publication will spark anybody's brain and the will have remembered these? I take zero responsibility because I was still a year away from making my presence into this world. I will say these cards will epitomize 1970's food in a way that I almost feel nostalgic for a year that I missed. 

I don't know what or where these cards came from. They are perforated and remind me of scratch off lottery cards. 

Gobble Gobble..If anybody is hurting for a last minute side dish or two, here's a few that ought to have nobody ever requesting you bring a side dish.

How can one recipe card manage to have so many failures printed on one piece of paper? Canned peas and carrots. Liver in a mysterious lemon sauce. Does tart and liver even go together? Certainly not like "peas and carrots." I had to make a Forrest Gump quip.

This is demented on so many levels. There's a salmon with a pimento eye and a fake mouth gagging on parsley. Not to mention the weird yellow sauce to resemble skin and scales or the pimientos separating head from body.

Or maybe this one is worse. The damn thing is smiling at me.

I can say with all certainty that until these recipe cards arrived in the mail, this had never even been a gleam in my eye of anything to eat. Mashed potatoes surrounding potato salad made of mayonnaise, sour cream, hard boiled eggs, cream cheese, all of the stinky vegetables (aromatics), and some pickle relish. Like a white scary log of all things that scare me about food. Now that I know it exists, I feel like I need to do something positive to change the world. P.S. it is served with cold turkey loaf.

I do not get these sandwich loaves. I imagine some poor 1970s kid thinking it's a type of cake and his or her parents "warning" them not to eat it or they will regret it. Said child eats it and becomes fearful of foods like this. I don't think I did anything like that, but it makes sense. I thought black olives were grapes at first.

I don't see this innovative Ritz Cracker recipe anywhere. Not saying I looked. But here's an idea for all of those holiday Ritz Crackers.

There's something you don't see every day.
Ugh, I'm not going to knock the vegetarian way of live because I haven't tried it. I'm sure it's healthy and a better alternative and that but why trick yourself into thinking your are eating meatloaf? Have an apple or something. Really, you aren't missing much.

Okay. There's a time and a place for not asking questions and I think I am at that point. Gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run. Who didn't sing that while they read it?
Again, I will reiterate this. If pretending to eat a Reuben to the point of calling this imposter "fabulous" but admitting it's "fake", just come out of the damn closet and call yourself a vegetarian. I daresay that those of us who are omnivores will respect you a little more.
Methinks one would not have to resort to canned salmon if one did not spend their money on parsley, lemon slices, netting, starfish, and those horrid shell plates.

If I have to resort to eating cottage cheese in gelatin and pretending it's cheesecake, I don't think I want to punish my fat self.

Oh look! Another tomato aspic. Meh. Tomato aspic is only for weight controllers apparently.

Those watching their weight should eat nothing but bile in a bowl. This looks like something that comes out of a nasogastric tube. Gahhh!!

Yes. We suck because we are overweight. We suck so much we are not worthy of eating anything but this.
Truly the most unimaginative food idea ever. Ground beef, green beans, biscuits. But let's call it a tiara to make it seem royal. Or is it royale?
Sheesh! Why? I get it's not a pudding in the sense of being called a pudding. But, sheesh!!!
The cream sauce hides what type of shellfish it might be. Shrimp? Langoustine? Lobster? Crabs? Even the circle of green beans and rice mold do not solve this mystery. In the end, it's scallops, crabmeat, shrimp. Creamed.
As if I need another reason to find stuffed peppers vile.
It's almost like they just gave up on a special name for this.
Things like this make me weep quietly in my pillow at night. Then again, if I am weeping at night over a 1970's recipe card of Liver in Sour Cream, than perhaps I have bigger issues than I claim. 
 I do hope those of you who celebrate Thanksgiving have a happy one. This is the first one I am acknowledging since my father was killed in a car accident a couple of years ago. Sad I know. I'm going to leave you with this HILARIOUS photo of you know who (me) in the tattoo chair. Enjoy the fear and pain upon my face. This is an example of laughing through pain. My Brooks shoe still hasn't fit right. 

Laugh..Go ahead. I am laughing at how much this thing hurt. I give props to the tattoo artist for keeping it steady while I was shaking and laughing.


5 comments:

  1. I'm going to draw faces on all my food now with carrots! Brilliant. Please tell us you had the smiling fish tattooed on?!

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    1. Now that is an idea! I can only imagine bringing in an old 70s recipe card and asking the artist to recreate it. I did go retro. My sister wanted something that linked our childhood together. She chose a lock and key that resembles an iron set that stayed in the same place on the wall our entire childhood. If you looked at the key, it fell off the wall. It is very 1970s.

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  2. Oh my gosh your comments have had me laughing out loud!!! You should have a comedy show with these recipe cards and your observations! Thanks for the laughs... This is priceless!

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  3. Hi! I came to your blog while on Pinterest looking for canned salmon recipes lol.
    I enjoyed this article and will read some more of your stuff. Two questions: Can you publish the actual recipes for these cards? I would like to try one or two (really). And...what kind of tattoo did you get?
    Thanks!

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  4. My daughter and I had a good time laughing at these AND your comments. Thanks.

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