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Saturday, October 6, 2012

Meatier


MMMMMMMMMeat. Who can get enough topics about mmmmmmmmeat? Carnivores, pay close attention to the 400 recipes for seafood, poultry, and meat salad dishes. This book comes before it was proper to stretch meat and after the World War II rationing of meat. It's all about the striated flesh, muscle, bones, organs, and the gnashing of canines, growling of a contented human animal. Heart disease and diabets? Pffft. Just pass it on to the next generation.



Better Homes and Gardens Meat Cookbook, 1969
Steak Diane. Go through any cookbook before 1979, and there are many variations. Perhaps there are some that look less like human feces with green bugs crawling on it. By now it should be obvious that the pinnacle of sophistication is not the meat itself but the artfully carved and hidden mushrooms.
This book is unfortunate in that the captions are on the opposite page. It reads "Who can resist this mouth watering display. (no question mark) Fill the center of Glazed Ham Ring with creamed and new potatoes. Show of hands to all carnivores perusing this blog: How many of you are just drooling at the prospect of a glazed ham ring stuffed with creamed peas and new potatoes? I'm a meat eater too, but any watering of the mouth is in preparation for a purge of my stomach contents. I'm sure all of you know how the mouth waters right before you throw up. It's the most unique sensation.

As this is a Better Homes and Gardens book, there are usually the same pictures. If this is a new way with meatballs, why can't it be in color? Do you know how much fun I can have with a color photograph of ham raisin balls?
Apple-Beef patties. Only in the 1960s can huge meatball patties topped with spiced apple rings and parsley garnishes work. I have a dollar that says those burgers aren't cooked through. In today's times, one would have been sliced to allow the reader the chance to see what kind of texture long grain rice, corn syrup, lemon juice, and a teaspoon of MSG could do to a patty. Now that I think of it, there are probably better ways to depict food photography.
Liver Kabobs make a tasty main dish. I don't know about that. Though they are marinated in a tangy mustard mixture, coated with bread crumbs and threaded on long skewers. They just don't seem like a tasty main dish. Are they something you don't know is liver until you are complimenting how "tasty" they are? Then the hostess can say they are made of liver? That's mouth watering and not in a good way.
Are we learning to cook or how to perform a heart transplant? This isn't going to deter any carnivore. Sissies should be come herbivores if they don't like it.

Halibut Royale. Another attempt at adding a vowel at the end of something to present an air of sophistication. Can't just call it Baked Halibut without sounding like a bumpkin. If it's not a "royale" then it isn't good fish. Who cares if it's halibut?
Exactly what part of the turkey does this come from?
With a hint of curry and wine, Chicken Breasts Supreme would normally get a bunch of my best and snarkiest comments. However, I am looking at that molded salad above it and wishing there was at least some mention of what type it is in this book. Maybe I would find it to be a refreshing addition to my meat variations? After all, gelatin could hypothetically be counted as meat. It's not like it originated as a flavored powder.

In case you ever needed to know how to cook an opossum. Or maybe you will find one dead on the side of the road and just need to cook it? Better tie those legs together. It's uncouth for an opossum to be open legged at any time.

Some men need money to feel important and powerful. Some need material possessions. Some need a dish on the side. Some need an erectile dysfunction medication and a penis pump. Some just need a circle of standing wieners in a Frank and Corn Crown to prove they are a man of the universe.

Or just a myriad of hanging wieners with das sweet and das hot sauce. 
Cheeseburger Pie. The ground beef, catsup (not ketchup), herbs and spices are a gut bomb. Add that greasy looking crust and pickle garnish for a full blown shit fest.
I can't say if the busy hostess wants her guests to turn their heads in appreciation, shock, or disgust. If it turns heads, then it must be a success. It can't be because someone is gagging at the sight of pimentos and cornucopia-rolled salami.
Why? Just why for once can't there be pictures of these recipes? There would be so much to say about these and I would be ever so gleeful as I disgust those who look at the pictures. How many prune and apricot roasts does one need to look at to get an idea of how it should look when done? Unless BHG was fairly certain there wouldn't be too many copies of this book sold by showing a King Crab Crown, of course. They just weren't thinking about the future. Those recipes are relics! If anyone wants to make one and show the pics off, I would happily post them! What a crooked scan this was. Meh, I tried.

Ranch Round Steak with a very orange sauce and a fork that has been around since lead was a viable metal.

The interesting thing about this post was that it also might not have been published. If I had not inadvertently bought a second copy at a Goodwill last week, I would have ignored this book like it was one that was already used or that I had no blog material. Funny how things work out. And now I have two copies of this book.

U.N.T. 

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