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Thursday, September 27, 2012

Stretching Da Meat

The title of the book I am about to use opens the door for any and all dirty minded comments. That was the cleanest I could create. I'm not trying to make a NSFW blog based on the title. I wouldn't want anyone to get in trouble over a 38 year old book about stretching meat. 

I know meat is expensive. I hate buying meat. I have a package of steak and a bag of generic Wal Mart chicken nuggets in my freezer. I suck. I should probably think about doing some shopping. Eh, first things first. 


Meat stretching (giggle) is obviously not a new concept. In this book, TVP (Texturized Vegetable Protein) is being introduced into recipes. I don't think I have ever knowingly bought TVP, but I am sure it adds the needed protein for stretching meat. 

Imagine it is 1974, or 1976 if you are not quick enough to snag the first edition, and you see this book at the store. How quick are you going to be to add this to your cart based on the cover: 

Better Homes and Gardens Meat Stretcher Cookbook, 1974. Sometimes you can tell a book by its cover. If there are bacon wrapped tuhds on the cover and it deals with preparing food, there might be other options.
If ever there was a need to keep those little wooden spoons from those nasty little ice cream cups, it would be to one day spear olives and Calico Salisbury Steaks with a delicious sauce made of catsup (not ketchup). I'm glad my mother did not want us to save them.
If the regular cuts of meat are not aplenty, there's always organ meats. I'm looking at the sweetbreads, kidney, tripe, heart, and liver, but I cannot take my eyes off that long cow tongue.I think I would eat the filtration organs before I sliced and diced that creepy thing. I'll just eat eggs. My albumin levels are soaring as I stare at these organs. It's just too much protein.
Oh my family would really, really be surprised if I served them Corned Beef Stew. I can't say it would be a good surprise. I think it would stink up my house. There aren't enough Yankee Candle tarts to mask that.
Stuffed Baked Potatoes. I'm going to use the term "stuff" loosely. It's sliced potatoes spaced apart by SPAM slices and glued together with American cheese.
Enriched Meatloaf. Yes. That is what this is called. Not meatloaf with eggs atop it. Enriched Meatloaf. It is enriched with soy grits. I speak on behalf of my family, but I don't think they like meatloaf enough for me to cook it with anything, let alone enrich it with soy grits.
The top hunk of flesh is called "Braised Rump Roast" and the sandwiches are from "planned overs". Where and what and how was this thing braised? The entire picture is so dry that looking at it is making me choke on an imaginary piece of dry meat. If meat is supposed to settle to redistribute the juices, where are the damn juices? It's just so dry..That piddly little cup of broth isn't going to do enough.
A beefy pie of mystery. Let's just keep it a mystery.
Meatloaf potato roll up. I'm convinced it would be every bit as tasty as it looks. All it needs is a catsup (not ketchup) sauce.
Little info on TVP. I think of TVP and I imagine Taco Bell "meat".
Maggots borne from a head of lettuce.
Glazed Ham Patties. If you think making ham patties like a crabcake sounds like a plan, then this is for you. Smear some melted apple jelly atop of it and you have a meal that makes no sense.
Another perfect meat with nothing running on the sides of it. My turkey is usually in about two inches of liquid after it comes out of the oven. Serve it with a Curried Turkey Salad in a jagged canteloupe and gag away. Sigh, WHO EATS THIS SHIT? (sorry, had to get it out of my system).
These Chicken Crepes Elegante are so elegante the white sauce acts as a natural source of light.
Thought I would share all of the divine things one can do with organ meat. Scrambled brains? The only thing to ever make me gag in a movie was the scene in Hannibal where he sliced a piece of Ray Liotta's brain cooked it, and fed it to him while he was still alive.
No, this is a little too maggoty for comfort. There's no way of making rice look like rice. It has to look like wriggling little maggots in rotten flesh. Of course it probably doesn't help that I enlarged this pic to show detail. I won't imagine them flopping out of their meat safety onto the plate. I won't do that..People say I have a way with words. I say they are right.
Cheese Tomato Shortcake. Ehh..looks like pink pus atop of a sponge.
Let's go meatless!!!! Manicotti stuffed with loads of cottage cheese.
Apple Omelet. Because in some parallel universe, it's good to combine an omelet with apple compote. My tastebuds are weighing the options and they say no thank you.

Ehhhh..There were so many meat ideas in here, if I ever make it to the store, I might have to bypass the meat and do something meatless. 

U.N.T. 

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