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Thursday, August 16, 2012

100 Ways To Be Original With Worcestershire, Innuendos Included.

Worcestershire sauce. How many ways to pronounce it? Wor-chester-shire, Wor-shesheer, Lea & Perrins? Heinz? Or be a smartass like I am and go with the "Wor-sheste-sire Sorce". It's a decent flavor enhancer. It's my husband's main ingredient in marinades and hamburgers and most of the time it all turns out good so I have nothing too snarky to say about the product itself.

This little recipe book I got yesterday? It's on! Not only does it have some seriously crazy recipes and pictures but there are innuendos that rival cheesy porn/pick up lines. I got this in the mail yesterday and I was so riveted that I tabbed it instantly and pushed it to the front of the queue. This doesn't happen too often.


100 Ways To Be Original In ALL Your Cooking, 1964. See why I am excited? I even included the back!

 I'm going to change up the format a little and put the pictures first and then the recipes and captions last. Normally I scan and post in the order they are in the book.

I had no idea men were so fond of gourmet-style canned dog food. I will put this in my little Rolodex of information that I call my brain. All I need is a can of Beneful Beef Stew, a chafing dish, and some Sterno and he will eat like the king he believes he is. Then I will tell him it's dog food. Then I will laugh sadistically. Then when he throws it in my face and smears it in my hair, I will believe I did something right. Woof Woof.
Cooking with skin! Don't forget the parsley garnishes! And bacon. Everything is better with bacon. Even skin.
I'm going to give credit where credit is due and definitely call this an original. What is this? Crusty chicken livers with mushrooms on toast and tomato clam drink. Original, probably malodorous, soggy, salty. Bad crop because my blue sticky tabs are showing. Ah well. Ignore that.
Flamenco Veal Chops with a "confetti colored sauce to brighten the bland taste of veal". The truth comes out: Veal is bland. In the meantime, let's distract ourselves and count how many hearts are in that wrought iron fence stand in the background.
CHOO CHOO!! All aboard the shit train! Chugga, chugga, choo chooo. The carrot wheels spin in the mashed potato trackless fluff. Destination? Toilet. My 5 year old was a bit more honest. He said it looked like a "food train made with tuhds". I daresay he is correct.
Curried King Crab with Sweet and Sour Sauce. Good luck marketing the sweet and sour sauce at 2 o'clock. I'm sure by following the recipe of apple butter, orange zest, orange juice, and wocestershire sauce will get the desired effect as far as taste goes, but if it looks like the excrement of someone with a serious Upper GI bleed, then it's probably not going to get enthusiastically spooned onto this odd shaped concoction.
Too bad this is not in color but the gist behind these are "funny monkey faces to make your guests laugh". Guess what hostess? They aren't laughing at the eggs. They are laughing at YOU! That's right! Put silly little pimento faces on a deviled egg with parsley hair and a gherkin tie and try to convince the guests they are eating monkeys. Maybe while the hostess was on her 7th martini and 5th Valium did they started to look like monkeys.
Kind of stingy with the cheese don't you think? Little less boiled onions a lot more mozzarella.
 Be still your quivering stomachs. The pictures are done. I scanned and posted all but three pictures in the book.

Obviously nobody is born a good cook. But using Lea & Perrins, you can be Original. You don't have to be good. Just Original.
What I wouldn't do to go back in time and see a big ole bologna twirling around on a rotisserie.
That's right..Curl that chicken around that nut filled dressing. So juicy!
I'm going to let this speak for itself.
This one too.
Yep..some things are better left unsaid. Just read and form your own twisted thoughts.
Do you see what I'm up against? 

Helter Skelter becoming associated with something more insidious was only a few years away.
Oooh, that's crooked. Why can't there be pictures of these? WHY?
Pictures, please. We need pictures! 
Prepare? Sure. Screw it up? Most definitely. Sometimes denigrating the man of the house and making him feel like he's too stupid to make anything more than something like this can have consequences.
I can think of about a thousand reasons why this is a bad idea and zero reasons why this would even be considered.
U.N.T.

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