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Monday, July 30, 2012

Betty Crocker's two cents on low cal

I've not hidden my disdain for good ole Betty Crocker in any posts. Maybe "her" (because there was never a Betty Crocker) way of trying to help the housewife was considered the standard by which women ran a household but reading these books through the eyes of someone 50+ years later, I have to give a big ole WTF. 

The book used in this posting is what appears to be part of a collection that came out in 1973. This is the only time I have edited the color in the pictures because the font color is the cornea burning green of the front cover.

Low calorie here we come since we already feel like slovenly fools! 

Front and back of Betty Crocker's Low Calorie Cookbook, 1973

Betty Crocker's Low-Calorie Cookbook, 1973. I had to put the back on. Just reading it makes me MOTIVATED! I want to shed-some-points and-start-putting-a-dash in several-groups-of -words. I'm already a winner at the losing game!
Strain those eyes. What Betty Crocker book would be complete without a passive aggressive greeting? Neon green with white letters does not make for good reading. MY EYES! Make it stop! Again, I did a little color editing so this won't be an issue.
What did it? When? What was the tipping point for me? If anyone said anything about my weight, I think I can handle it. I've borne children. I'm in my late 30s. I'm not trim and I sure as HELL am not going to look at my not-trim self in a 3-way mirror. A size 8? Wow, that's setting the bar kind of low. I thought people wanted to be a zero. My new mantra indeed will be "What is meant by a serving". Yeah I don't normally keep vegetable juices and evaporated milk on hand and I'm not about to. I guess my survivor kit for whatever apocalypse I need to prepare for will not let me survive. Ugh, graph paper? As in paper with squares on it? And, THINK THIN!
That's right. You read it here. Use that MSG to your advantage. I would rather have beautifully broiled lean, tougher meats than the ensuing MSG feel like crap syndrome.
Okay, first my ice maker is just not that awesome. Surely I trust the ingredients in any recipe enough that I don't need to taste it before presenting it to my family. I think they'd like mushy pasta and unseasoned sauce. I'll just drink my real large ice water, look pissed and hope I don't burn myself while I try not to sample my cooking.
To save you the eyestrain, this recipe is No Noodle Lasagna meaning that zucchini is being used for noodles. Not a bad idea per se and I'm sure that someone on Pinterest can make this look like I want to eat my screen. A carton of cottage cheese.UGH! I'm hedging my bets that my family is not going to want seconds. I'm hedging my bets that my family will never want me to cook this for them.
Because Betty Crocker likes to pull numbers out of the air and I cannot find conclusive evidence that this meal actually contains 395 calories, I'm raising the BS flags on her. This is the lasagna. It might look good except for that mug of glue and those cottage cheese curds. I don't even want the breadsticks.
I'm going to reckon on not even attempting this. I'm going to reckon on not having guests to eat my no noodle lasagna. There's a modicum of respect with those outside my family who have to eat my cooking.
Minds out of the gutter. These are exercise clocks. Or was I the only one with a mind that went south?
If Betty Crocker decided it was 385 calories, then it was 385 calories. I'm going to try that technique. Next time I sit down with a big bowl of ice cream, I am going to put 100 calories on a piece of paper. It's believable. Why should I believe there's only 385 calories in this?

I should be able to pull of the con artistry involving feeding my children. Make the plates "attractive", smaller plates, and fill the gaps with parsley and celery leaves. I'm sure that looking at something my guinea pigs eat would make my covert operation work for my picky kids. That kid sees a bullshit artist. She can pull parsley out of her magician hat and maybe the dipshit mom should do this without her child in view.
When I'm dieting, I too get pissed off enough that I will eat the flowers. I can relate.


395 calories for carrot sticks that look like french fries, spinach, some weird salad, a glass of glue and the piece de le resitance, a pickle with fish wrapped around it. A pickle with fish wrapped around it? Oy. I'll just eat the carrots that look like french fries because I fool easily.
Ole Bety is just making it up again I see. We are supposed to believe there are only 405 calories to this. I'm guessing 500. Do I get a prize?
.
Alright, I"m taking issue with this. I was born in 1974. This book came out in 1973. What this is telling me is that the new generation was fed aspic, molds, organ meat, smoked cigarettes, drank, ate meatloaf, and drank beef broth while pregnant with people of my generation. No wonder we are so screwed up! It's not like our predecessors are doing anything to promote healthy eating either with all the crap in foods! It's personal, Betty. What did Betty Crocker do for us? Invented Hamburger Helper. Thanks Betty Crocker CORPORATION.

Did you get anything out of this cookbook? I didn't either. I know I can put numbers in front of things and that is surely the calorie count! Why didn't I think of that before? I would be trim and able to flex and flaunt in front of a three way mirror! 

Until next time!! Seriously. I will find a closing. I'm working on it! 

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