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Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Anyone can be a mircrowave expert! Just buy our microwave and book!!

I could be called a cynic, a pessimist, negative. All that is probably true. But I can see a BS flag a mile away and I'm going to call these microwave cookbooks on it. Again, my experience with a microwave is limited to the push button ones and the dial ones of the early 1980s. I defrost meat and reheat leftovers in mine. Occasionally, I pop some popcorn. Sometimes my children make a disaster and nearly burn down the house. But I sure as heck do not believe that the whirlpool that came in this house or the one we have in our garage is capable of making a Beef Wellington. 

I'm a realist. These microwave cookbooks that I see by the gross at the thrift stores seem to have a few things in common: Buy our microwave and get the cookbook! Even you can cook a duck in your house with our small nuclear reactor! 

All salute the BS flags!!!
Creative Microwave Cooking, 1976
Swiss fondue. This is exactly how it looks in the book. In real life? It probably develops a skin every 10 seconds and those skewers and bread chunks are merely used to stir.
Scottish Hot Pot. Oil to water ratio seems a bit off. Maybe if that pesky stove was used and the meat was drained properly this could have been prevented. The combination of foamy beer and grease bubbles should digest well. I think the only thing accurate about this is that the pot is hot. 
Deviled Eggs Mornay. Apparently this exciting egg dish is perfect for your microwave oven. It entails precooked pasta hells and hardboiled eggs and melted butter. Why not just use the conventional oven since everything is pretty--oh wait, the recipe says to use the conventional oven first and the microwave to reheat and melt the cheese. Just create more work so the claim can be made that it was cooked in the microwave.
Why cook a 3 lb roast the conventional way for 2 1/2 hours when it can be zapped into leather in the microwave in 1 1/2 hours? It's an hour, not a week!!
If I would ever eat something like this, I would personally wish for my eggs to be cooked. Either the BS chocolate banana flag is way up or this is not the original pan used to make this. I fear that a cast iron pan in a microwave would have caused a blast 10 times larger than Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Eh, I don't see a microwave giving macaroni-cauliflower casserole a nice broiled look. Again, I am a realist.
If I am going to eat a microwaved leg of lamb and the last bit of a head of lettuce, my only request is that the whiskers are removed. A stubbly leg in the mouth is highly unpalatable.
Finally something accurate!! This bland, colorless, soul snatching stew concoction is probably what would come out of a microwave. Maybe not in a cast iron pan. KA-BOOOM!!!!!
I stopped believing in miracles around the time I learned Santa Claus was not real. Raw bacon wrapped around a big loaf of crap with a sad sprig of parsley on top. The yum factor is in the red here. I'm not even going to get into that golden crust of vomit.
THIS was in the middle of the book so that is why there is a crease. It looks like this rotted torso is in some stage of decay and either its innards are rotting or it's leaking cockroaches. Either way a pork roast stuffed with prunes is a bad, bad, bad idea. It's shameful a pig had to die only to be stuffed with prunes.
I have never eaten sweetbreads. I have no inclination to. Having said that, I feel a microwave may not be the best way to cook glands. The color scheme is not doing it any favors either.
Marinated Rabbit. Exactly what was used for a marinade?
It had been 5 years since Frank's untimely passing. Five treacherous, depressing years for Gladys. Her daughters begged her to find something to do so she could enjoy her remaining years. She was still young at heart. However, every Thursday, she cooked Frank's favorite meal using the microwave he bought her for their 30th anniversary. She didn't eat it. She sat at the well set table and wept.
If you can cook a duck in the microwave, you can do anything!
Roast turkey with TWO sauces. Each serves as a different stage of hydration for this peckish bird.
The notorious fish model. This time he's posing with a bed of scored lemons. Lemon sauce and fish in the microwave. Should be interesting to try to heat oatmeal after that's been festering for a few days.
 All it takes is a good microwave cookbook and a mini Chernobyl and you too can cook a banquet. But make sure it is THEIR brand and not the other guy's. 

Until next time!! 

1 comment:

  1. You are just too creative. Keep up the good work!!

    ReplyDelete