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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Confessions of a mayophobe and other gagworthy woes


I'm a lifelong phobic of foods containing mayonnaise, boiled eggs, sour cream, cream cheese (except for frosting and cheesecake), yogurt, and anything of that color and texture. My earliest memories involve the smell of Miracle Whip, watching my dad lick it off a knife and smear it on bread, the smell of it mixed with onions and boiled eggs. 

Flash forward over three decades to my current state of mayophobia. Since spellchecker and Google have not recognized that as a word, allow me to introduce it into your vocabulary. Anyway, there are few things that can make me lose my appetite than sitting with someone at Burger King and watching the mayonnaise and ketchup glob plop out of the burger and onto the wrapper. I get very angry when I order no mayo, take my food home and smell it before I open the bun. Scrape it off you say? No way. The mayonnaise has binded itself to the burger/chicken and bun, therefore I know it was there. When I lived in Italy, imagine my horror at watching people mix packets of ketchup with mayonnaise and dip french fries in it. 

It's time to share this wonderful little magazine I bought from ebay. There is very little that does not contain the ingredients which shall not be named. 

I apologize in advance for the creases in the scans. Some of the pictures required both pages to be scanned. To photoshop or alter these images aside from cropping and flipping and straightening them out would defeat the purpose of capturing retro food in its full element.

Kraft Main Dish Cookbook, 1970
As an avid Christmas Story Fan, I am required to say "meatloaf, smeatloaf, double beatloaf" any time I see a meatloaf. This fluffy cloud of Miracle Whip and mashed potatoes reinforces the reason why meatloaf is indeed a "smeatloaf, double beatloaf". The french dressing in the ground beef don't help either.
"If you're going to San Francisco, be sure to--" RUN the other way if you see this San Francisco Stroganoff made of margarine, Miracle Whip, sour cream "sauce". You are better off wearing some flowers in your hair.
The little blue caption on the left says "your family will never say 'Meatloaf Again!'" once you've served this tempting innovation. How about never incorporating that dreadful word into their vocabulary or introducing this "thing" to their palates. They can say "meatloaf" all they want, but I will never cook it. EVER.
The caption says this Bavarian Slaw is something to "yodle" about. The Alp of cabbage and zippy bratwurst. Hopefully you have more than one bathroom because there's going to be a case of the grips like it's never happened before.
This "country set supper" just exudes class and elegance doesn't it? It can't be simple with a boxed macaroni and cheese and a few hotdogs. No, there must be sour cream, onions, and polish sausage.
Aye Carumba! This Mariachi Supper has green sausages. Where does one find green sausages? How long must they ferment before they turn green? 10 years? Oh, never mind. It's just bad 70's photography lighting.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Instead of just following directions on a prepackaged spaghetti dinner mix, add mozzarella cheese, eggs, and bake it. Then call it Spaghetti Pie and see how fast your kids devour it.
This salmon mousse mold might be more alive looking if it was flipped the other way. Not appetizing, just more alive. Who wants to eat a frowny fish molded salmon mousse?
"Obviously when you heat hearty cheddar cheese with bubbling beer, then add egg and serve it over crisp toast triangles, you call it 'rabbit'". What the hell does that even mean? Seriously. I call it toast with melted cheese and beer.
Another faux thermidore. This time it is called a "Philly Thermidore" Cream cheese and canned seafood. Save me a bowl!
What makes this a supreme hamburger? Besides being called a Balboa Party Burger, it is smothered in sour cream and cheddar cheese.
Saving the best for last, this is a Country Squire Sandwich topped with all things bad about food. Sliced hardboiled eggs, sour cream, cheese, and miracle whip.

Now I think I'm going to sit in a corner and rock for an hour. It's been a pleasure sharing my fears.

2 comments:

  1. LOL, I will never look at mayo the same way again!

    ReplyDelete
  2. For this entry, you have made me hate mayo again. Now I am following you.

    ReplyDelete